2009 Razzie Awards Rants, Raves, and Predictions

I am proud to say that I successfully avoided watching almost all of the movies on this list. But hey if I can make predictions for Oscar nominated movies that I haven't seen I am more then qualified to review these wastes of celluloid.

I present to you the nominees for the 2009 Razzie Awards.

WORST PICTURE

* Disaster Movie
* The Happening
* The Hottie and the Nottie
* In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
* The Love Guru
* Meet the Spartans

My Rant: All of these are horrible movies, no arguments there. However they are horrible in completely different ways.

"Disaster Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" are cut from the same cheap and tacky cloth. These movies are made cheaply, quickly, and instead on hiring actual writers they just mash together scenes from other movies and expect us to find them "funny". They know the movies are crap, but they put just enough funny moments in the trailer to trick people into seeing them. The people who make these movies know that they are utter crap.

"The Hottie and the Nottie" fall under a similar category. This was not made to be a hit, it was made to make a profit. Plain and Simple, they knew this was not a great movie when they put it out.

"In the Name of the King" is another disaster by Uwe Boll. He has yet to make a decent movie despite being able to get some pretty good actors in past projects. All the same the man is under the distinct delusion that his movies are great. There is no way to explain the horror that is Uwe Boll.

"The Love Guru" should have been funny. There was a time when Mike Meyers was hilarious. "So I Married an Axe Murderer," "Wayne's World", the "Shrek" movies, and (most of the) the "Austin Powers" series were all hilarious. By all means we expected Mike Meyers to turn out another hit, so the movie was disappointing on several levels.

The one that really makes me sad is "The Happening." I love M Night Shyamalan. Have liked all of his movie up till this point. The beginning premise was a brilliant and origional horror plot. I mean think about it, your out for a walk and all the sudden everyone around you starts committing suicide. Do you have any idea how freaky that would be? You have no idea why the people are doing this to themselves, you wonder how many like you did not off yourself, and you wonder how long you can last without killing yourself. That is a genius premise. But no he had to go and mess it all up by introducing the villain of the movie

Highlight for spoilers

TREES, MOTHER FUCKING TREES are the reason people start committing mass suicide in this movie.

Have you ever heard of anything this stupid? No, I just arrghhh!. This movie had so much potential it he had just explained it in a different way, if he had given no reason at all for why that was happening it would have been better.

My Prediction: Tough call, I think it will come down to "The Love Guru" and "In the Name of the King"

WORST ACTOR

* Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
* Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
* Mike Myers, The Love Guru
* Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
* Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne

My Rant: I am very sad to see Al Pacino and Mark Wahlberg on this list because normally I love these guys.

My Prediction: I'm going with Larry the Cable Guy. The man is not even an actor. At least in the past everyone else on the list has put fourth a good movie at some other point in their careers.

WORST ACTRESS

* Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
* The cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
* Cameron Diaz, What Happens in Vegas
* Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie
* Kate Hudson, Fools’ Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl


My Rant: There is some stiff competition for this category. I feel like everyone on this list deserves to be here. I'll admit I actually saw "What Happens in Vegas" Cameron Diaz wasn't that terrible in it, she was working with a very bad script. Even if Cameron was as talented as Dame Judy Dench she couldn't have done a damn thing with a script this bad either.

My Prediction: It's sough there are so many people on this list that deserve to suffer. I really like the idea of the entire cast of "The Women" getting the award though.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

* Uwe Boll (as himself), Uwe Boll’s Postal
* Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
* Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru and The Wackness
* Burt Reynolds, Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
* Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Uwe Boll’s Postal


My Rant: From What I understand it wasn't Pierce Brosnan's acting as it was his singing that was difficult to take in this movie. Again it hurts me to see someone of Ben Kingsly's caliber on this list. Apparently Mr Kingsly made out with one of the Olson twins in "The Wackdness" the sheer mental image of that occurring makes me want to vomit, so perhaps I shall not be as lenient with him.

My Prediction: It's so hard to decide. I'm going with Verne Troyer, he isn't a particularly gifted actor and he chose to act in two spectacularly bad movies.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

* Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* Paris Hilton, Repo!: The Genetic Opera
* Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
* Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
* Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale


My Rant: Ok brace yourself because this is the only time you will ever hear me praising a Kardashian. In a recent interview Kim Kardashian talked about how happy she was for her Razzie award nod. She knew she made a crappy movie, but she had fun doing it, and she ownes up to the fact that she is a bad actress.

My Prediction: My vote is for Kim Kardashian, she wants the award I say letter have it.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

* Uwe Boll and Any Actor, Camera or Screenplay
* Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
* Paris Hilton and either Christin Lakin or Joel David Moore, The Hottie and the Nottie
* Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
* Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave


My Rant: I am very amused that Eddie Murphy has terrible on screen chemistry with himself.

My Prediction: Eddy Murphy or Uwe Boll if nothing else because their nominations are funnier.

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

* The Day the Earth Blowed Up Real Good
* Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
* Speed Racer
* Star Wars: The Clone Wars


My Rant: It's a difficult choice. At least Speed Racer looked pretty. I mean it had a great visual style to it, even if everything else in the movie was crap.

My Prediction: Indiana Jones, I'm sorry when you shit on a terrific series like Indiana Jones, you deserve to be punished and get a razzie.

WORST DIRECTOR

* Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and Uwe Boll’s Postal
* Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* Tom Putnam, The Hottie and the Nottie
* Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
* M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening


My Rant: You know how in math you really can't get anything bigger then infinity, despite peoples tendencies to add on other numbers behind it. That is what Uwe Boll is like. He may be worse then Ed Wood, were it not for the fact that he miraculously manages to get good sized budgets for his movies.

My Prediction: Uwe Boll

WORST SCREENPLAY

* Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* The Happening
* The Hottie and the Nottie
* In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
* The Love Guru


My Rant: Again this is a very tough decision but I am willing to believe that some of these of these had no real writers, or writers that were forced to throw something together in a week. Only on had a writer that was actually good, or at least had been good in the past.

My Prediction: I have to go with the Happening, I know that M Night Shyamalan sat and spent a long time writing this script and still thought it was a good idea to put the utterly ridiculous twist on the movie.

WORST CAREER ACHIEVEMENT

* Uwe Boll

My Rant: It's about time the man was awarded for his contribution to bad film.

The Complete list of 2009 Oscar nominees: Rants and predictions

Let me start by saying that I havn't actually seen most of these movies I am basing my predictions off of a few things: knowledge of an actors previous work, knowledge of how previous Academy Award ceremonies have gone, and reading the reviews of other critics.

I present to you the full list of Oscar nominees for the 2009 season.

BEST PICTURE
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

My Rant: Hmmm where did "Revolutionary Road" disappear to? Apparently they did not like that one too much. The Academy Awards are a fickle mistress indeed.

My Prediction: "Slumdog Millionaire" mainly because it swept the Golden Globes. Traditionally foreign films haven't fared too well in this category of the Oscars, but who knows this could be the year.

BEST DIRECTOR
Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
Gus Van Sant, Milk

My Rant: Well it seems as if Sam Mendes the director of "Revolutionary Road" has been left out, I am sensing some major snubbage for this film.

My Prediction:I think the award is going to go to Steven Daldry. Generally when it comes down to individuals the Oscar tends to go for people who have done great work in the past and not been recognized. Steven Daldry was nominated for directing "Billy Eliot" and "The Hours." My bet is that his previous near wins for some really brilliant work will score him some votes.

BEST ACTOR
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

My Rant: Up until now I have not heard of "The Visitor" I just watched the trailer and it looks like a really good movie. Yet this is a sign of a big problem. Historically movies campaign to be nominated and voted for. If they don't have enough publicity to get their name really recognized there then there is a chance that they can fall through the cracks.

My Prediction: Sean Penn. Second choice is Brad Pitt, only because Sean Penn has done a lot to piss off the Academy and has not appeared to be very grateful for past recognition. I don't think the Oscar Crowd would go for a relative outsider like Mickey Rourke. Yes he was the underdog at the golden globes and still managed to pull through, however I just don't feel that the Oscars would award him again.

BEST ACTRESS
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, The Reader

My Rant: "Frozen River" is another movie I haven't heard about till now, Quentin Tarentino praised it and really that's all I need to know to want to see a movie.

My Prediction: I think Kate Winslet is going to take this one. People will vote for her because they felt she deserved to be nominated for "Revolutinary Road" not to mention that she has been nominated for Oscars 5 times before and has never won. I think this is her year.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Josh Brolin, Milk
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

My Rant: I am happy to see that a movie like "Tropic Thunder" got a nomination, the Oscars are notorious for ignoring comedy.

My Prediction: Heath Ledger, again he deserves it. He poured everything he had into this role, and is completely mesmerizing and terrifying on screen. I will be pissed if anyone else gets it.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams, Doubt
Penélope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

My Rant: Did anyone notice that Kate Winslet won the Golden Globe for best supporting actress in the same role for which she is currently nominated for Leading actress?

My Prediction: It's not so much a prediction as it is a wish. I want Amy Adams to get this one.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Frozen River, Courtney Hunt
Happy-Go-Lucky, Mike Leigh
In Bruges, Martin McDonagh
Milk, Dustin Lance Black
WALL-E, Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Pete Docter

My Rant: It's really hard to judge best screen play when you haven't seen the actual movies. However I have difficulty believing that WALL-E will walk away with the award when most of the dialogue consists of whistles and clicks.

My Prediction: I have narrowed it down to "Happy go lucky" or "In Bruges" they both seem like clever films.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Eric Roth
Doubt, John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon, Peter Morgan
The Reader, David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire, Simon Beaufoy

My Rant: Again no nod for "Revolutionary Road" which was adapted from a very highly acclaimed novel. Something fishy is going on here.

My Prediction: I havn't seen any of these I'll just guess and throw out some "Doubt"

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
WALL-E

My Rant: I absolutely loved "Kung Fu Panda" but...

My Prediction: The winner will be WALL-E

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
La Maison en Petits Cubes
Lavatory — Lovestory
Oktapodi
Presto
This Way Up

My Rant: It's impossible to see these movies unless your cool enough to be i the academy or go to all sorts of fancy film festivals. Like seriously could someone make these things available for purchase on iTunes because I would love to see them in more then the 30 second clip they show at the Oscars.

My Prediction: "Oktapodi" why? Because it's title was the most fun to say.

BEST ART DIRECTION
Changeling
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Duchess
Revolutionary Road

My Rant: Finally a nod for "Revolutionary Road" I was beginning to think they had somehow forgot to put themselves up for consideration in the Oscars.

My Prediction: I'm feeling "Benjamin Button" for this one. It's a story that has to span time, and accomplishing that in a convincing way is always a sign of a great art director.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Changeling
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire


My Rant: There is a fair chance that I am rooting for an underdog in this category but I have my reasons. Normally action films get ignored in this category, well unless they were made in China. But I am rooting for "Dark Knight" the simple fact is that they used a better camera then anyone else on this list .... I think. "Dark Knight" was filmed using the super heavy hard to maneuver IMAX camera. Because of sheer technology it's bound to have a clearer picture then the other films however clearer does not always mean better.

My Prediction: "Dark Knight" ok so I'm actually pretty sure it's not going to win, but I can't bring myself to write down another name when the cinematographer sacrificed so much to work with a giant heavy camera in the name of superior quality.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Australia
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Duchess
Milk
Revolutionary Road

My Rant: Period pieces almost always win this category

My Prediction: "The Duchess"

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)
Encounters at the End of the World
The Garden
Man on Wire
Trouble the Water


My Rant: Haven't seen or heard of any of these sorry folks.

My Prediction: "Encounters at the End of the World" because it has the most interesting title.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Conscience of Nhem En
The Final Inch
Smile Pinki
The Witness — From the Balcony of Room 306


My Rant: I havn't seen or heard of these so I can't judge.

My Prediction: "Smile Pinki" again because it has the best name.

BEST EDITING
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire

My Rant: Film editing is some of the most important tedious work that is done in all of film. I tip my hats to those people who work very long hours in small rooms with fickle equipment. Maybe one day with any luck I will join your ranks.

My Prediction: "Slumdog Millionaire" it's a story with a lot of going back and fourth. In other words a movie with a more obvious editing style, so I think it has a better chance of winning.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany)
The Class (France)
Departures (Japan)
Revanche (Austria)
Waltz with Bashir (Israel)


My Rant: Havn't seen any of these

My Prediction: "Waltz with Bashir" because it won the Golden Globe.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT
Auf der Strecke (On the Line)
Manon on the Asphalt
New Boy
The Pig
Spielzeugland (Toyland)


My Rant: see previous rant about short fims

My Prediction: "I'll go with "Auf Der Streke" because it has an interesting name,

BEST MAKEUP
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Hellboy II: The Golden Army


My Rant: no rant

My Prediction: I am 100% positive that it is going to "Benjamin Button"

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Alexandre Desplat
Defiance, James Newton Howard
Milk, Danny Elfman
Slumdog Millionaire, A.R. Rahman
WALL-E, Thomas Newman

My Rant: John Williams has gone three hole years without being nominated. The guy has 45 Oscar Nominations, I'm always surprised to find out when he is not nominated.

My Prediction: "Slumdog Millionaire" some Bollywood tunes are a nice change of pace from John Williams or striped down minimalistic compositions that have been nominated in previous years. I think the Academy will vote for it.


BEST ORIGINAL SONG
''Down to Earth,'' WALL-E
''Jai Ho,'' Slumdog Millionaire
''O Saya,'' Slumdog Millionaire


My Rant: I am actually excited to see and hear the nominated songs performed on stage this year. In the past there have been some songs that I really couldn't stand to sit through. I looked up the nominees in this category and I actually liked what I heard.

My Prediction: It's hard to judge when so much of music comes down to personal taste "Jai Ho" was the one I liked best so hopefully it will be the one that wins.

BEST SOUND EDITING
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
Slumdog Millionaire
WALL-E
Wanted

My Rant: I really want "Wanted" to win it was such a cool action flick, and the sound was done very well. You heard every knife swing, every bullet fly by, and sometimes you heard warped voices appropriate to the situation. Personally I really liked the sound design of this film.

My Prediction: The winner will be WALL-E

BEST SOUND MIXING
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Slumdog Millionaire
WALL-E
Wanted

See above coments

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Iron Man

My Rant: I'm not even sure "Dark Knight" should be nominated for this category, when director Christopher Nolan specifically did as much as possible to avoid using special effects. That being said I think Hellboy got snubbed. The movie had some really spectacular effects in it.

My Prediction: It's between "Iron Man" and "Benjamin Button"

LOST season premier

I feel even less qualified to write about "LOST" then I am to write about "Heroes." At least with heroes I have been a fan from the beginning and seen each episode in order, making me an expert on the mythology of the series. With a vast knowledge of the heroes universe, I can sometimes I can sidestep my fangirl tendencies and really analyze the shows in an academic fashion.

"Lost" is a horse of a different color. I didn't start watching it for a few years after it first came out, I have missed a lot of episodes, and I have not been cataloging clues obsessively. Without expert knowledge I can't ground myself and analyze the show.

For the whole two hours of the first show I was sitting on the edge of the seat, eyes glued on the screen, and never daring to miss a second of the action by flipping to another channel during commercials.

"Lost" is really exciting because it's one of those shows that not only makes you want to go back and watch old episodes, new meanings can actually be found when you rewatch old episodes. It reveals enough of it's mysteries to make you have "ah-ha" moments, and keeps things murky enough to make you keep watching in the hopes of figuring things out.

I shall do my best to write a spoiler free review ... which with a show like "LOST" means I can't say a hell of a lot.

The new season started off by revealing what happened when the island made the big bloop and disappeared.

Side note somehow I feel as if the producers were inspired by the big mysterious bloop of 1997. Seriously check it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloop

We also got to see how the Oceanic 6 survived, and some events that occurred before they reached the main land. Story time was split between the island and the Oceanic 6. It seems as if forces are drawing the 6 survivors together, and that somehow it is imperative that they get back to the island. How that's going to happen I don't know. Ben seems to be plotting something, but I have no idea if his intentions are good or bad at the moment. While drama occurs on the main land, people on the island seem to be lost in space ... actually they are lost in time. How this happened, or how it's going to be fixed I have no clue. Apparently three years have passed for the Oceanic 6 while only hours have gone by on the island ... I think...

Somehow it seems as if some sort of church is involved with this, and that they only have 70 hours to get everything fixed or terrible things happen.

Ok so it's complex, I recommend doing homework if you have never seen the show before. But let me tell you this show a great ride. Up's and down's, mystery, drama, action, conspiracy, romance, and all sorts of crazy stuff. It has it all, and even if you don't get every little symbol and nuance of whats going on you can still enjoy the show because the characters are just that compelling.

Bride Wars Review

I found myself not wanting to write this review. I have to say I really wanted to like "Bride Wars" but it fell short of my expectations. A big part of my philosophy as a critic is that things should be judged by how well they perform in their own genre. All signs pointed to "Bride Wars" being a fun mindless chick flick, so please know I did not have high expectations going into the film.

The biggest disappointment of "Bride Wars" was that the commercials and trailers gave away all of the funniest moments. Perhaps if I headed into the theater not knowing that Anne Hathaway would be orange, or that Kate Hudson would get blue hair, or perhaps if I never saw the clip of the two brides fighting in full wedding gear this movie would have been funnier. I felt like all of it's greatest jokes were thrown away. Yes, there was still a twist in the plot that you would not expect to happen from commercials alone, however I guessed it about 15 minutes into the movie.

There were still some very funny moments to be sure. Kate Hudson is absolutely hilarious in the scene where she goes into the office with blue hair, but I found that I did not laugh very hard during the movie. They say the worst thing you can do as a comedic writer is to write jokes that make people smile, and not laugh. That is precisely what happened in bride wars the jokes made me smile and not laugh. The humor was supposed to come from the women acting crazy and being mean to each other, and a lot of times I just wasn't amused. Some of their more over the top things were funny, like the dance off at the Bachelorette party but most fell short.

Most of my laughter came from the delightfully boisterous group siting sitting in front of me. They saved the viewing experience for me. This was a movie that I would have preferred to see on home whenever it was eventually released to tv, however I would have missed out on some great things.

Like when Kate Hudson's character is presented with a very large and impressive ring, the woman in front of me shouted out a resounding "I'd be like hell yeah nigga." At the other side of the theater was a much more sedate group, so sedate in fact that one of them let out a very loud snore at the climax of the film. The boisterous group in front of me made fun of her, and I enjoyed their cometary on the snoring woman more then I enjoyed any part of the film.

So to the very funny, loud, and awesome group in front of me I thank you.

But back to the actual movie.

I feel that in some ways "Bride Wars" is an interesting comment on society. Specifically how much pressure is put on people to have perfect weddings. In a country where 50% of marriages end in divorce it seems like there is increasing pressure to have a perfect and ornate wedding.

The movie offers us two archetypes of modern day women. Anne Hathaway's character is the doormat, a very nice woman with a very good heart who ends up being pushed around by everyone. For her a wedding partially represents the one day where the focus will be on her, a time where all the love and energy that she has poured into relationships will be rewarded. Although she grows a backbone by the end of the movie Anne Hathaway is so concerned with pleasing others that she wears her mothers wedding dress instead of the one she wants to buy in the hopes it pleases her family.

Kate Hudson's character on the other hand is a high powered bitch, and I mean that in the best way possible. She is still a nice person but she is assertive, she fights for what she wants, and she knows how to look out for herself. To her the wedding is simply an extension of who she is, she is an overachiever so naturally she has the same attitudes in business as she does in planning her own wedding.

In some ways I feel as if this movie wasn't very kind to women. The main characters are neurotic, petty, shallow, and very passive aggressive. However if we view them as caricatures you can't help but see some of the truth in the madness. Many women, myself included, do spend a lot of time dreaming about having a perfect fantasy wedding; this fantasy and this cultural expectation to have large ornate weddings is really a lot of pressure. Enough pressure to make ordinary (please note: most of us aren't nearly this insane) women into bridezillas.

So perhaps at the heart of the movie there was a good message that we should not have so much emphasis placed on one day of our lives when what really matters is love and friendship.

All the same morals, and social commentary aside the movie fell short of my expectations. I really thought I would be laughing more, or that there would be some hilarious moments not shown in the commercials, alas that was not to be.

My final Verdict: Don't pay $10 at your local movie theater to see this. It's worth a rent, especially if you know someone who is about to get married. And please remember this is a real chick flick, it is unlikely that any men will find much enjoyment in this movie.

Sometimes I really hate my local movie theater. Allow me to show you why I haven't seen many award winning/nominated films this year. Here is tonight's line up at the nearest movie theater (26 Minutes away), currently the selection is worse the usual but that is only due to the lack of decent comedy or action films out at the moment.

My choices tonight are between

"Bedtime Stories"- It looks cute but I'm not paying $10 to see a kids film, especially not a kids film with Adam Sandler. I am still pissed at him for the atrocity that was "8 crazy nights"

"Marley&Me": Spoiler: The Dog dies. Sorry if I ruined it for you but now that you know the ending do you really want to see it. No, there is no way in hell I am watching that.

Paul Blart Mall Cop: No, just no

"Hotel For Dogs": Again it looks like a cute kids film but I'm not paying this much to see it on the big screen.

"My Bloody Valentine": I only like horror films that are so terrible they loose any sense of scariness. This looks like a bad horror film that will probably be a bit scary, and I do not want to spend the evening with 3-d axes flying at my head.

"The Unborn": Does it bother anyone else that "the unborn" twin brother in the commercials looks about 10. If he is the lead girls twin then he should either be an evil fetus, or the exact same age as her. Where in the hell did they decide it made sense to have the unborn magically age half as fast as the living, I don't get it. And I hate scary movies. So that's a big no.

"Bride Wars": This is probably what I will end up going to see, unless I can talk my friend into going to another theater. I like Anne Hathaway, and I keep praying that Kate Hudson will one day show the talent she had in "Almost Famous." It looks like a fun mindless romantic comedy, it should be fun to watch. It is a girls night out after, and this has chick flick written all over it.

The only serious movie at this place is Grand Torino, which I have already promised to see with my Dad, so I can't see that tonight.

If we go to the next closest movie theater (34 minutes away) we have the added options of

"Yes Man": How about, no man. It's one of those things I might watch if it comes on HBO I'm not paying a cent to see that.

"Definace": Actually this looks pretty good.

"Inkheart": Looks like a cool concept, but I find myself weary of anything staring Brendan Frasier. I think I'll wait till this one comes out for rental.

Ah the woes of living in hicksville

EDIT: Expect a review of Bride Wars sometime in the near future.

Reality TV Limbo

It's that odd time of the season where we are in Television Limbo. All of the scripted shows have ended their fall seasons, but the new spring lineup has yet to start. While I wait for the return of some beloved shows (such as "Big Love", "The Tutors", "Heroes", and many more) I am stuck with nothing to watch except for repeats and reality tv.

Of course the reality shows are the only shows with new episodes. Mama's Boys is quite entertaining for a rather trashy guilty pleasure of a show. I especially enjoy the show when I discuss it with my own mother, who always brings a different perspective to the show then I do.

I also like Superstars of Dance,although I myself am a terrible dancer I love to watch dance. This show is not as good as "So You Think You Can Dance" but it's entertaining and has some really talented people. The show also brings a few things that you would never see anywhere else. I am totally looking forward to the dance off next Monday between the hip hop dance group the Groovaloos from the USA, and a bunch of Shaolin Monks. There is bout to be some mind blowing craziness that occurs with a combo like that .

The American Idol audition episodes are entertaining as always. I never end up watching the finalists compete, for me it's all about getting to see the crazy people who try out. Although I must say I think Simon has gotten nicer sine the show began, and this is not necessarily a good thing. I also think Paula has gotten crazier since the show started but she appears to be having fun, and I kind of want to be on whatever type of happy pills that woman is taking.

There are a lot of shows I just can't bring myself to watch, "Double Shot of love" is just too skanky, "The Bachelor" is just too sappy, "Tool Academy" makes me hate men, and "Rock of Love" Tour Bus makes me hate humanity.

The only other reality show worth watching is "Top Chef". It's one of those positive reality shows that takes really talented people and helps them hone their skills so they can become better. This seasons cast seems to worse then previous seasons in terms of talent, with each challenge there seem to be more people with terrible dishes then there are ones with really great ones. However some of the personalities this season are a bit more exciting, for the first time there seems to be a bit of romance (between two people who were not previously involved), and best of all they have a look alike.

From the beginning I liked Carla and I couldn't quite figure out why. Certainly she seems like a nice woman, she always works well in teams (unlike Stefan), the type of food she makes usually looks pretty good. But that didn't explain the joy I felt whenever I saw her. Tonight it dawned on me, she looked like someone important from my past.

Allow me to demonstrate




She looks like Red my favorite Fraggle. How can you not love someone that looks like a character from "Fraggle Rock".

Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to go out and see a new movie, till then it looks like a lot of tv reviews from me. Unless of course someone gives me a topic to rant on. I am always open for suggestions to rant on movies, actors, actresses, directors. If I have seen it I will do my best to rant about it for you.

Kelly Clarksons new song stolen from Sarah McLachlan?

Ok so I know I'm the renegade film snob, not the renegade music snob.

Every now and again you just see, or in this case hear something that deserves to be reported on. Kelly Clarkson's new single "My Life Would Suck Without You" was leaked/released today. While I am really more of a rock and roll girl myself, I do like a few of Ms Clarkson's songs so I decided to give it a listen. When it started playing I couldn't help but think that I had heard this somewhere before. I knew the notes to the main phrases. I started wracking my brain and I suddenly realized that "My Life Would Suck Without You" was just a very poppy version of "Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLachlan. Mind you, they probably changed things just enough keep it legal. While some of the phrases are identical the rest of the song is very different. But if you listen to the two songs you will hear a definite similarity.

Here is Kelly Clarksons song



And here is the link to Sarah McLachlans song, because the people at her record company are douche bags who won't let people embed her music videos. I mean we are only promoting the artist by posting their video's online, but hey what can you do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuEsyfTcJI8

Now you may have to give it a minute but you will notice that there are parts of the songs that are very close in terms of the notes sung and phrase length.

Edit: apparently some people are having trouble hearing how they sound alike. First off you have to imagine the Kelly Clarkson song striped down. Focus just on her voice not the annoying background music.

If you listen to the Sarah McLachlan song the specific part where she sings

"I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me"

Or a musically similar piece

"Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won't disappoint you"

These specific parts of the music are repeated over and over again in the Kelly Clarkson song. Kelly is singing almost the exact same notes in the exact same key, except instead of going up at the end of each phrase she goes down a note or two.

Results of the 2009 Golden Globe Awards

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

The Nominees are
a. THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
b. FROST/NIXON
c. THE READER
d. REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
e. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Winner: "Slumdog Millionaire"

My Thoughts: I had no predictions for this category originally as I posted predictions on the 11th and none of the movies (excluding "Slumdog Millionaire" which was not playing anywhere locally) had actually come out at this point. I am very happy that a smaller film like Slumdog won.

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

Nominees
a. ANNE HATHAWAY – RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
b. ANGELINA JOLIE – CHANGELING
c. MERYL STREEP – DOUBT
d. KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS – I'VE LOVED YOU SO LONG (IL Y A LONGTEMPS QUE JE T’AIME)
e. KATE WINSLET – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

The Winner is Kate Winslet

Comments: See above comment about none of the films being out at the time I made my predictions, add to it the fact that I have difficulty working up the will to see movies that look as depressing as these ones happen to. However I love Kate Winslet, and I am very happy for her.


3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. LEONARDO DICAPRIO – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
b. FRANK LANGELLA – FROST/NIXON
c. SEAN PENN – MILK
d. BRAD PITT – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
e. MICKEY ROURKE – THE WRESTLER

Winner: Mickey Rourke

Comments: I honestly thought that Sean Penn was going to win this. My second bet was on Brad Pitt, and I doubt anyone would deny that tonight the long shot won the race. For the record Mickey Rourke still scares me a bit, but I'm glad his career is .... well a career again.

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. BURN AFTER READING
b. HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
c. IN BRUGES
d. MAMMA MIA!
e. VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

The Winner is: Vicky Christina Barcelona

Comments: I didn't see any of these so I had no real opinion. I really want to see most of them, except for the winner. Why you ask, because Javier Bardem looks like a caveman. Again I kind of wish Tropic Thunder had been nominated because it was hilarious, and it was also a pretty brilliant satire on Hollywood.

5.BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. REBECCA HALL – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
b. SALLY HAWKINS – HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
c. FRANCES MCDORMAND – BURN AFTER READING
d. MERYL STREEP – MAMMA MIA!
e. EMMA THOMPSON – LAST CHANCE HARVEY

Winner: Sally Hawkins

Comments: I did not get to see any of these movies, however I always love it when a relative unknown wins the prize. I couldn't help but be moved when she gave her speech because you could tell she absolutely did not expect to win this.

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. JAVIER BARDEM – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
b. COLIN FARRELL – IN BRUGES
c. JAMES FRANCO – PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
d. BRENDAN GLEESON – IN BRUGES
e. DUSTIN HOFFMAN – LAST CHANCE HARVEY

Winner: Colin Farrel

My Comments on this Category: I have to admit I was really rooting for James Franco here, I knew the odds were against a stoner comedy walking away with any serious awards but I couldn't help but hope. Anyway I am glad that Colin Farrell has won his first serious (in my own opinion Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmy's, Screen Actors Guild Awards, or Critics Choice awards) American award. Maybe now he will start showing off his talent and stop making things like "Miami Vice"

7. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

a. BOLT
b. KUNG FU PANDA
c. WALL-E

Winner: WALL-E

My comments: Yes, I correctly predicted this one. Although I admitted that I personally was rooting for "Kung Fu Panda" I knew Wall-E had this one in the bag.

8. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

a. THE BAADER MEINHOF COMPLEX (GERMANY)
(DER BAADER MEINHOF KOMPLEX)
b. EVERLASTING MOMENTS (SWEDEN/DENMARK)
(MARIA LARSSONS EVIGA ÖGONBLICK)
c. GOMORRAH (ITALY)
(GOMORRA)
d. I'VE LOVED YOU SO LONG (FRANCE)
(IL Y A LONGTEMPS QUE JE T’AIME)
e. WALTZ WITH BASHIR (ISRAEL)

Winner: Waltz With Bashir

My Comments on this category: I haven't seen or heard of any of these before the nominations so I can't comment, sorry. However I will say that I was moved by the speech given, the director (or possibly producer) said that he truly wished that by the time the children born during the making of this film grew up the film would seem very ancient and outdated.

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
a. AMY ADAMS – DOUBT
b. PENELOPE CRUZ – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
c. VIOLA DAVIS –DOUBT
d. MARISA TOMEI – THE WRESTLER
e. KATE WINSLET – THE READER

Winner: Kate Winslet

My Comments on this category: I was rooting for several actresses in this category, and I must say I was happy that one of the three I was rooting for won. It was a big night for Mrs Winslet.

10. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. TOM CRUISE – TROPIC THUNDER
b. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. –TROPIC THUNDER
c. RALPH FIENNES – THE DUCHESS
d. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN – DOUBT
e. HEATH LEDGER – THE DARK KNIGHT

Winner: Heath Ledger

Comments: Originally I said that I will be angry if anyone but Heath Ledger wins this, fortunately the Hollywood foreign press has not let me down. Heath Deserved this award.

11. BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

a. DANNY BOYLE – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
b. STEPHEN DALDRY – THE READER
c. DAVID FINCHER – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
d. RON HOWARD – FROST/NIXON
e. SAM MENDES – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Winner: Danny Boyle

My Comments: I hadn't seen any of these so I couldn't have any opinions. But I am very glad to see that Slumdog was so successful tonight.

12. BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

a. SIMON BEAUFOY – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
b. DAVID HARE – THE READER
c. PETER MORGAN – FROST/NIXON
d. ERIC ROTH – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN
e. JOHN PATRICK SHANLEY – DOUBT

Winner: Simon Beaufoy "Slumdog Millionaire"

Comments: See above comment.

13. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE

a. ALEXANDRE DESPLAT –THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
b. CLINT EASTWOOD – CHANGELING
c. JAMES NEWTON HOWARD – DEFIANCE
d. A. R. RAHMAN – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
e. HANS ZIMMER – FROST/NIXON

Winner: A. R. Rahman Slumdog Millionaire

Comments: see above comment

14. BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

a. “DOWN TO EARTH” — WALL-E
Music by: Peter Gabriel, Thomas Newman
Lyrics by: Peter Gabriel
b. “GRAN TORINO” — GRAN TORINO
Music by: Clint Eastwood, Jamie Cullum, Kyle Eastwood, Michael Stevens
Lyrics by: Jamie Cullum
c. “I THOUGHT I LOST YOU” — BOLT
Music & Lyrics by: Miley Cyrus, Jeffrey Steele
d. “ONCE IN A LIFETIME” — CADILLAC RECORDS
Music & Lyrics by: Beyoncé Knowles, Amanda Ghost, Scott McFarnon, Ian Dench, James Dring, Jody Street
e. “THE WRESTLER” — THE WRESTLER
Music & Lyrics by: Bruce Springsteen

Winner: The Boss, Bruce Springsteen

My Comments on this Category: I can't really comment once again.

15. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

a. DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
b. HOUSE (FOX)
c. IN TREATMENT (HBO)
d. MAD MEN (AMC)
e. TRUE BLOOD (HBO)

Winner: Mad Men

My Comments on this Category: I was really rooting for True Blood, instead the award went to a show I really don't watch. Maybe I will have to start watching Mad Men because I have only heard good things about it, then again I don't know a single person who watches it.


16. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

a. SALLY FIELD – BROTHERS AND SISTERS
b. MARISKA HARGITAY –LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
c. JANUARY JONES – MAD MEN
d. ANNA PAQUIN – TRUE BLOOD
e. KYRA SEDGWICK – THE CLOSER

Winner: Anna Paquin

My Comments on this Category: I didn't predict this one but I was really rooting for Anna Paquin. Sookie is a character with a lot of layers, and she did a great job.

17. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

a. GABRIEL BYRNE – IN TREATMENT
b. MICHAEL C. HALL – DEXTER
c. JON HAMM – MAD MEN
d. HUGH LAURIE – HOUSE
e. JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS – THE TUDORS

Winner: Gabriel Byrne

My Comments on this section: Eh it didn't go to my favorite shows, but I haven't seen in Treatment so I can't really complain.

18. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. 30 ROCK (NBC)
b. CALIFORNICATION (SHOWTIME)
c. ENTOURAGE (HBO)
d. THE OFFICE (NBC)
e. WEEDS (SHOWTIME)

Winner: 30 Rock
Winner: Best Speech of the night: Tracy Morgan

My Comments on this Category: I'm not too surprised with the result here. 30 rock is a good show, however I still think "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" deserved a nomination.

19.BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. CHRISTINA APPLEGATE – SAMANTHA WHO?
b. AMERICA FERRERA – UGLY BETTY
c. TINA FEY – 30 ROCK
d. DEBRA MESSING – THE STARTER WIFE
e. MARY-LOUISE PARKER – WEEDS

Winner: Tina Fey
Winner: Second Best Speech of the night

My Comments on this Category: I had no favorite i this category as I really like all of the actresses. I'm glad Tina Fey got it, she gave a very fun speech.

20. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. ALEC BALDWIN – 30 ROCK
b. STEVE CARELL – THE OFFICE
c. KEVIN CONNOLLY – ENTOURAGE
d. DAVID DUCHOVNY – CALIFORNICATION
e. TONY SHALHOUB – MONK

Winner: Alec Baldwin

My Comments on this section: I was rooting for Alec Baldwin, and he got it. So I'm happy.

21. BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. A RAISIN IN THE SUN (ABC)
Sony Pictures Television, Storyline Entertainment, and Bad Boy Worldwide Entertainment
b. BERNARD AND DORIS (HBO
Trigger Street Independent Productions in association with Little Bird and Chicago Films and HBO Films
c. CRANFORD (PBS)
A Co-Production of BBC and WGBH Boston.
d. JOHN ADAMS (HBO)
Playtone in association with HBO Films
e. RECOUNT (HBO)
Spring Creek/Mirage Productions in association with Trigger Street Productions, Everyman Pictures and HBO Films

Winner: John Adams

My Comments in this Category: Haven't seen any of these so I couldn't really have an opinion.

22. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. JUDI DENCH – CRANFORD
b. CATHERINE KEENER – AN AMERICAN CRIME
c. LAURA LINNEY – JOHN ADAMS
d. SHIRLEY MACLAINE – COCO CHANEL
e. SUSAN SARANDON – BERNARD AND DORIS

Winner: Laura Linney

My Comments in this Category: Haven't seen any of these so I couldn't form opinions. However I have liked Laura Linney in just about everything I have seen her in, I'm glad her work has finally gotten recognized.

23. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. RALPH FIENNES – BERNARD AND DORIS
b. PAUL GIAMATTI – JOHN ADAMS
c. KEVIN SPACEY – RECOUNT
d. KIEFER SUTHERLAND – 24: REDEMPTION
e. TOM WILKINSON – RECOUNT

Winner: Paul Giamatti

My Comments in this Category: Haven't seen any of these so I had no opinion.

24. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. EILEEN ATKINS – CRANFORD
b. LAURA DERN – RECOUNT
c. MELISSA GEORGE – IN TREATMENT
d. RACHEL GRIFFITHS – BROTHERS AND SISTERS
e. DIANNE WIEST – IN TREATMENT

Winner: Laura Dern

My Comments in this Category: Haven't seen any of these, nor do I know any of the actresses other work so I have no opinion.

25. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS – HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
b. DENIS LEARY – RECOUNT
c. JEREMY PIVEN – ENTOURAGE
d. BLAIR UNDERWOOD – IN TREATMENT
e. TOM WILKINSON – JOHN ADAMS

Winner: Tom Wilkinson

Comments: Again I haven't seen any of these so I had no opinion.

Please note when I say I have no opinion it's not meant as a negative or a cut on the award winners in any way shape of form. It's a genuine neutral. I just don't know enough to form an opinion on the subject.

Hopefully I'll be able to get out and see a few more movies before the Oscars roll around. That way I can be a better judge, although the Golden Globes do tend to be a good predictor for who will win the Oscars.

Asian Dramas

Recently I have become addicted to Asian Dramas. I love them. They are every bit as formulaic, sappy, and predictable as our own soap operas; however they function in a completely different way. Unlike US soap operas they have no evil twins (that I have found yet), most seem to center around high school or college aged people, and they do not have any serious love scenes. It's actually quite refreshing to see a show where the main couple don't even kiss till half way trhough the series (if they are lucky).

Of course they still have a lot of drama. Backstabbing friends, kidnappings, people loosing their jobs, and all sorts of crazy things happen to make things difficult for the main couple to get together. It's also interesting to see how romance (and all other sorts of relationships) develop in a culture that is not as emotionally expressive. All the emotion is still there it's just expressed a lot differently, the actors in Asian dramas have to be a lot more skilled then their American counterparts. Maybe it's just the shows I have been watching but a lot of the male romantic leads seems to have a serious case of the Mr Darcys. That is to say a lot of them are rich men, who are complete jerks, who end up being really good guys in the end.

The shows are a little cartoonish, sappy, and predictable; however they are completely addictive and enjoyable. I don't think I can can say enough about how these dramas, put American Romantic comedies to shame. So if you have yet to try watching an Asian Drama yet, here is a list of Renegade Film Snob approved Asian Dramas. I have probably listed some of these before but there are some new additions.

"Goong" or "Princess Hours"

An average Korean girl finds out that she will marry into the Korean Royal family. Hilarity ensues.

"Romantic Princess"

A girl suddenly finds out that she is the Grandaughter of the richest man in all of Asia.

"Devil Beside You"

A girl accidentally gives her love not to the wrong the wrong guy, and by wrong guy I mean the biggest trouble maker in the whole school. The twist, he really likes her, but he has an odd way of showing it.

"Silence"

A girl becomes mute after she is involved with a terrible accident, while she spends time in a hospital she meets a boy. The two become best friends and promise to meet again a few years later on, and the rest is history.

"Zettai Kareshi" or "Absolute Boyfriend"

A woman who aspires to be a pastry chef gets involved in some trouble. She thinks she is signing up for some sort of matchmaking services, but instead gets herself a prototype sexy boyfriend robot. Hilarity ensues.

"Hana Yori Dango" or "Boys Before Flowers"

There is a girl from a poor family who attends a school for very rich and cruel students. The school is controlled by a group of guys who call themselves F4 (Flower 4) their leader is a vengeful and violent person who gives students red cards if they offend him, causing everyone in the school to give this person a beating. The girl in question ends up getting a red card, and somehow this still ends up being a romance. The show also has a second season.

"Summer X Summer"

A girl falls in love with a very bratty model. Hilarity ensues. The show starts out kinds rough, but hang in there it gets a lot better.

"Witch Yoo Hee"

There is a serious business woman with the reputation for being a real witch. She keeps going through housekeepers who can't take her attitude, until she literally runs into a man who agrees to be her house keeper in order to pay off the debt he owes her for the damage he did to her car.

There are tons and tons of shows that I have yet to watch, as I am just starting to discover Asian Drama. So go out and explore, you may find a show you really like.

All of the shows are available on streaming video (and more importantly for many of us, with English subs) at the amazing http://www.mysoju.com/

"Valkyrie" Review

Over a month ago I trashed "Valkyrie" naturally at this point I had not seen the movie, yet from the trailers and some research on the actual history of operation Valkyrie I knew there would be a few problems.

To Recap what I ranted about in my previous post on "Valkyrie"

1. The movie should have been made in German, with a mostly German Cast. It's not our story to tell. In the name of historical accuracy, as well as in honor of the brave people who risked everything to help out in this operation it should be told in German.

2. The director Bryan Singer was not the best choice to direct a serious World War II drama. Just so you understand why he is not up to the challenge of directing a movie like this, his previous works include "X-Men", "X2", and "Superman Returns."

3. Tom Cruise, really need I say more. At one point in his life he showed talent as an actor, however his performances lately have been lacking. While he can still turn out a great performance as a comic character (he did do a great job in Tropic Thunder) or as a romantic lead, he can't handle a role this intense.

And folks, let me tell you I was completely right.

Now it started out ok. Point in fact I was impressed with the directors solution to the language problem. He started out with title cards in German (First there was a very cool retro style screen with the Valkyrie, and then the oath taken by all Nazi's)which fade into English. The first few lines of the movie are delivered by Tom Cruise in German and then, there is sort of a cross fade into English. It's basically telling the audience "Hey pretend everything is really being said in German, we just faded into English for you."

Throughout the movie you would also hear unimportant background conversations being said in German. It's a good solution to the problem, however it's still not a movie in German, try harder. On the same subject it really annoyed me that all of the actors in the film spoke with different accents. If you must do a movie about German history in English then decide on a fricking accent. Have all the actors speak with an American accent, an English accent, or a German accent not everyone speaking in their native accent all willy-nilly.

Enough of bitching about the language issues I must continue on with the rest of the movie.

The Director made another smart choice with the opening of the film, he opened it in North Africa. Not only did it give us background on how Claus Von Stauffenberg got the badass eye patch (amongst other injuries), it tells us that he was pretty rebellious in the past to get sent down there in the first place, but thats not all. The really brilliant thing about starting the movie out in North Africa is that they don't look like Nazi's. That's right when we are first introduced to our hero we are in a desert area where there are few if any swastikas and the uniforms look different then ones we are used to seeing. So we are set up to see this guy as someone who is not a Nazi, despite the fact that he will be wearing a uniform for the majority of the film.

So those were the two good choices the director made. I will also go on to say the costuming and cinematography were don't quite competently, the Hitler look alike was quite good, the actual history was followed closer (note I mean it was closer not 100% accurate) to the actual history then I expected, and Eddy Izzard was arguably the best actor in the film.

Now that that's over with. Hold on to your hats folks because this is the part of the review where I begin getting mean.

It doesn't matter what genre, what time period, or whats going on in a movie we need to connect to the characters emotionally in order for us to relate to a story, and more importantly for us to be able to internalize our experience with the movie.

The single biggest flaw in "Valkyrie" is that you don't feel connected with any of the characters. The movie is severely lacking in emotion, there were only two or three times in the movie when anyone was acting as something other then a very strong manly man. The movie ran over the events, somehow forgetting to add a human element to the story. If this story was told properly I should have been crying my eyes out at the end of the movie when all of them were being executed, or committing suicide. I'm going to be honest here, it does not take much to make me cry at a movie, but I did not shed a single tear at Valkyrie. I mean this was a story about really heroic men, who risked everything to do what was right, and despite their best efforts they did not succede and evil prevailed for a bit longer. That should make me cry.

The director made a very poor choice in choosing to show us only heroes, instead of showing us men. Of course we know that they were brave for dong what they did, but all we saw was bravery. While the movie did a good job at building suspense we didn't see moments where the men were softer and joking around, we did not see them really interact with their family, and for the most part we didn't even see them show true fear.

Maybe I should make that last statement a bit clearer. Eddy Izzard was the only man in the entire cast that seemed like he was going to chicken out, the only man that seemed terrified to be taking part in this, the only person with real weakness. Everyone else shows a small range of emotion from confident, to worried, to somewhat miffed. Tom Cruise retains the same strong expression for almost the entire film, we never see the fear, we never see real anger, we never see a moment where he thinks he is going to fail until the very end and even then he has his head held up high. For those of you that have seen the movie take a look at one of the last shots, the expression Tom Cruise shows when he is supposed to be dead is the same one he shows during every other sequence.

We see attempts to put some emotion into the film we see a brief moment where Von Strauffenberg is at home with the kids, but he does not really interact with them. Instead of staying with the the Von Strauffenberg family as they are together for a rare scene huddled in a bomb shelter, the director chooses to spend a lot of time on a record player playing "Flight of the Valkyries" which just so happened to turn on when the city was getting bombed. The smarter choice would have been to use the time to show him as a great father comforting his kids and wife as bombings went on around them, but instead he decides to show a possible way Claus Von Strauffenberg came up with the idea of Operation Valkyrie. There is another time when we see his wife run back and give him a passionate kiss before she leaves (in one of the few emotional moments of the movie) but we barely even see his face as Tom Cruise once again gives the same "I'm a strong manly man" expression. Throughout the movie he keeps trying to get a call through to his family but we never hear the urgency in his voice, we never see the moment where he realizes he will never see his family again. There are ways to play a very strong character who reveals little of what they really feel, but this is not it. We never see a hint of what is going on in the mans head, we never see a softened expression in his eyes.

In short all we see is the invulnerable bronze statue of a perfect hero, when what we should be seeing is a great man who did great things but still had his moments of weakness. At the start of the film there is a scene in a church where motives are spoon fed to us in very pretty lines about why Von Strauffenberg is doing what he is doing, it is not really revisited or expanded upon. This move made a big mistake when they gave us a few good lines to tell us what was going on instead of actually showing us the more emotional and intellectual aspects of the film.

If the Director did not feel comfortable making this an emotional epic, then he could have gone another path and made this a super paranoid thriller. I mean you have all the workings for one rebellion in a repressive regime, the good guys and the bad guys wear the same uniform, you never know who will turn on you. But wait that would involve the ability to show emotion on screen as well, guess it was out of the question for this director after all.

On second thought maybe the greatest flaw of the film was Tom Cruise himself. To use the words of another critic he gave a "Distractingly bad" performance. It was a true one note performance with a piece that had the potential to be a fricking symphony. Not only did he play Von Strauffenberg as a man who showed no emotion, he also played him without a hint of subtlety. There is a scene in an office where they are talking about very treasonous stuff, and the other actors are trying to speak with double meanings, Tom cruise just speaks as if he is having a normal conversation. There is a part in the movie where Tom Cruise turns to another character and basically says "I'm involved in serious acts of treason, you in?" I mean seriously if Von Strauffenberg was that blunt he would have been killed long before operation Valkyrie. I'm sure he was an honest and honorable man who didn't like to lie or be dishonest, but if your involved in a rebellion against an evil overlord, you have to be smart about it and tell half truths, or spend a lot of time figuring out who is trustworthy sometimes.

I have to say the sound in the movie was poorly done. When a soundtrack is well done it should be completely invisible, except for the few moments when we need music to take over and really show emotion. Often I found myself distracted by the soundtrack, I could hear it trying to make me feel something during the scenes but it never accomplished it's task. This is a movie with a lot of whispering, sometimes the background noises during the scenes really took over and it was difficult to focus in on what was being said. The very emotional last words spoken by Claus Von Strauffenberg "Long live Sacred Germany" should have been packed with emotion, instead they were shouted out so quickly you could barely understand them.

I am being really harsh here because this was a story with so much potential. Nothing pisses me off more then something with tremendous potential that does not live up to even half of it's worth. Instead of creating a movie that was emotional and inspirational, there was a movie just suspenseful enough to keep your attention.
There is so much that could have been done with the story of a truly great man, instead "Valkyrie" passes by as a tolerable suspense movie.

I can't say I was truly disappointed because I predicted it would be bad, but after doing some research on the real Operation Valkyrie I have to say that the brave men and women who took part in this deserved a better story.

Seriously readers, I will stop being lazy and update soon.

Hang in there folks The RenegadeFilmSnob never goes away for too long.