2009 Razzie Awards Rants, Raves, and Predictions

I am proud to say that I successfully avoided watching almost all of the movies on this list. But hey if I can make predictions for Oscar nominated movies that I haven't seen I am more then qualified to review these wastes of celluloid.

I present to you the nominees for the 2009 Razzie Awards.

WORST PICTURE

* Disaster Movie
* The Happening
* The Hottie and the Nottie
* In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
* The Love Guru
* Meet the Spartans

My Rant: All of these are horrible movies, no arguments there. However they are horrible in completely different ways.

"Disaster Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" are cut from the same cheap and tacky cloth. These movies are made cheaply, quickly, and instead on hiring actual writers they just mash together scenes from other movies and expect us to find them "funny". They know the movies are crap, but they put just enough funny moments in the trailer to trick people into seeing them. The people who make these movies know that they are utter crap.

"The Hottie and the Nottie" fall under a similar category. This was not made to be a hit, it was made to make a profit. Plain and Simple, they knew this was not a great movie when they put it out.

"In the Name of the King" is another disaster by Uwe Boll. He has yet to make a decent movie despite being able to get some pretty good actors in past projects. All the same the man is under the distinct delusion that his movies are great. There is no way to explain the horror that is Uwe Boll.

"The Love Guru" should have been funny. There was a time when Mike Meyers was hilarious. "So I Married an Axe Murderer," "Wayne's World", the "Shrek" movies, and (most of the) the "Austin Powers" series were all hilarious. By all means we expected Mike Meyers to turn out another hit, so the movie was disappointing on several levels.

The one that really makes me sad is "The Happening." I love M Night Shyamalan. Have liked all of his movie up till this point. The beginning premise was a brilliant and origional horror plot. I mean think about it, your out for a walk and all the sudden everyone around you starts committing suicide. Do you have any idea how freaky that would be? You have no idea why the people are doing this to themselves, you wonder how many like you did not off yourself, and you wonder how long you can last without killing yourself. That is a genius premise. But no he had to go and mess it all up by introducing the villain of the movie

Highlight for spoilers

TREES, MOTHER FUCKING TREES are the reason people start committing mass suicide in this movie.

Have you ever heard of anything this stupid? No, I just arrghhh!. This movie had so much potential it he had just explained it in a different way, if he had given no reason at all for why that was happening it would have been better.

My Prediction: Tough call, I think it will come down to "The Love Guru" and "In the Name of the King"

WORST ACTOR

* Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
* Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
* Mike Myers, The Love Guru
* Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
* Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne

My Rant: I am very sad to see Al Pacino and Mark Wahlberg on this list because normally I love these guys.

My Prediction: I'm going with Larry the Cable Guy. The man is not even an actor. At least in the past everyone else on the list has put fourth a good movie at some other point in their careers.

WORST ACTRESS

* Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
* The cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
* Cameron Diaz, What Happens in Vegas
* Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie
* Kate Hudson, Fools’ Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl


My Rant: There is some stiff competition for this category. I feel like everyone on this list deserves to be here. I'll admit I actually saw "What Happens in Vegas" Cameron Diaz wasn't that terrible in it, she was working with a very bad script. Even if Cameron was as talented as Dame Judy Dench she couldn't have done a damn thing with a script this bad either.

My Prediction: It's sough there are so many people on this list that deserve to suffer. I really like the idea of the entire cast of "The Women" getting the award though.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

* Uwe Boll (as himself), Uwe Boll’s Postal
* Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
* Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru and The Wackness
* Burt Reynolds, Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
* Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Uwe Boll’s Postal


My Rant: From What I understand it wasn't Pierce Brosnan's acting as it was his singing that was difficult to take in this movie. Again it hurts me to see someone of Ben Kingsly's caliber on this list. Apparently Mr Kingsly made out with one of the Olson twins in "The Wackdness" the sheer mental image of that occurring makes me want to vomit, so perhaps I shall not be as lenient with him.

My Prediction: It's so hard to decide. I'm going with Verne Troyer, he isn't a particularly gifted actor and he chose to act in two spectacularly bad movies.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

* Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* Paris Hilton, Repo!: The Genetic Opera
* Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
* Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
* Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale


My Rant: Ok brace yourself because this is the only time you will ever hear me praising a Kardashian. In a recent interview Kim Kardashian talked about how happy she was for her Razzie award nod. She knew she made a crappy movie, but she had fun doing it, and she ownes up to the fact that she is a bad actress.

My Prediction: My vote is for Kim Kardashian, she wants the award I say letter have it.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

* Uwe Boll and Any Actor, Camera or Screenplay
* Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
* Paris Hilton and either Christin Lakin or Joel David Moore, The Hottie and the Nottie
* Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
* Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave


My Rant: I am very amused that Eddie Murphy has terrible on screen chemistry with himself.

My Prediction: Eddy Murphy or Uwe Boll if nothing else because their nominations are funnier.

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

* The Day the Earth Blowed Up Real Good
* Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
* Speed Racer
* Star Wars: The Clone Wars


My Rant: It's a difficult choice. At least Speed Racer looked pretty. I mean it had a great visual style to it, even if everything else in the movie was crap.

My Prediction: Indiana Jones, I'm sorry when you shit on a terrific series like Indiana Jones, you deserve to be punished and get a razzie.

WORST DIRECTOR

* Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and Uwe Boll’s Postal
* Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* Tom Putnam, The Hottie and the Nottie
* Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
* M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening


My Rant: You know how in math you really can't get anything bigger then infinity, despite peoples tendencies to add on other numbers behind it. That is what Uwe Boll is like. He may be worse then Ed Wood, were it not for the fact that he miraculously manages to get good sized budgets for his movies.

My Prediction: Uwe Boll

WORST SCREENPLAY

* Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
* The Happening
* The Hottie and the Nottie
* In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
* The Love Guru


My Rant: Again this is a very tough decision but I am willing to believe that some of these of these had no real writers, or writers that were forced to throw something together in a week. Only on had a writer that was actually good, or at least had been good in the past.

My Prediction: I have to go with the Happening, I know that M Night Shyamalan sat and spent a long time writing this script and still thought it was a good idea to put the utterly ridiculous twist on the movie.

WORST CAREER ACHIEVEMENT

* Uwe Boll

My Rant: It's about time the man was awarded for his contribution to bad film.